it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
3 2 1 whiskey
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
