i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
whose parrot is this?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
