Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
