dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
