I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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