I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
