Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
