I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
