Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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