Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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