I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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