We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
