what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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