I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
