I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Who died my cat blue again?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
