You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
