I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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