finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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