dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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