Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Vodka?
Forever.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
