I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
