i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
