two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
