just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
