I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
