Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
