Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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