what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
