Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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