I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
