Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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