I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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