did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think my vagina is haunted
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
