well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
