My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
