I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
