Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
