just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
