I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
