What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
