I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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