P.S. I can't hear my feet
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
