i wish there were pregnant emoticons
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
