captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
