I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
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his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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