I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
