Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
