dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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