WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
