I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
