if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
