he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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