just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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