Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
