cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
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