i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
