my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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