Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
