dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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