So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just forgot I was standing up.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
