I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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